End Of Life Grace

End of Life Grace

The firefighters put her on the backboard and strapped her down.  Her ability to be able to walk was gone, and it was imperative that she be able to go downstairs into the living room area and spend time with family and friends.  She needed to continue to socialize and be her happy, spirited self.  So her hospital bed was moved from the bedroom to the downstairs living area, and the firefighters began carrying her down the stairs.  And instead of being scared or fearful in any way, she was giddy (though filled with physical pain) and joking with the helpers about how handsome and cute they were.  She was chuckling and thankful to her rescuers that had started to get to know her from previous calls to the home.  The true love of God was so present throughout her whole being in those last weeks of her life.  There was a grace that could be felt in the way she lived.  It was an honor to be associated and to be the daughter of a woman with such strength and dignity of character.



© Can Stock Photo / SergeyNivens

Lean Not On Your Own Understanding


Understanding and really getting what the verses of the Bible teach us is so difficult at times.  I thank God for all of the teachers of the Bible – the scholars that decipher and try to make sense of all of the workings of God.  It is quite the job and my admiration is with them.  For me just to truly understand my Life Verse was a hard lesson to grasp.


Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.


What a beautiful and straightforward message, right?  Follow the teachings of God.  Lean on him for all that you need.  Acknowledge that he is your God.

The tricky part for me was “lean not on your own understanding”.  Whew…  What a hard part of that scripture for me to understand.  Yes, it took me quite some time to say, “Lord, I get what you are saying”.

Following the teachings of God and to be good, loving, full of grace, caring, understanding that God is fighting my battles and will love me no matter what – though hard to do, I could understand that.  These teachings are broken down for me.  The teachers and pastors of the Word can help me to understand what it is saying.  The hard part (lean not on your own understanding).  Why did I have such a hard time with that part of the scripture?

It was back in the eighties.  I became a born again Christian.  My life seemed put together for a twenty year old with three small children.  I had been married for four years by then.  But inwardly (and in my own household) I was crumbling under the stress of my marriage, and the opposite levels of patience in our methods of caring for our children.

It was taught to me that I must be submissive to my husband.  However, the remaining lesson to understand is also that a husband must love his wife as Christ loved the church.  That part was left out somehow, or did I not hear it?  Anyway, being submissive to anger is a brutal job which had me imploding.  If I could have been a firecracker, I would have exploded in the palm of a closed hand.  My emotions were bottled so thoroughly that praying without ceasing was the norm to get through each assault to my crushed spirit.

Due to my family disposition of having bipolar and the never-ending daily stresses, the trigger had been released and I began having delusions in which I believed that I could read what God was telling me to do.  I followed the indications on the street signs and I could tell which way I needed to go.  One verse from the bible would interpret what I needed to do that day, my mind would guide me through the verses for answers and guidance, songs that came on the radio would either be of the Lord or be brought forth by evil spirits, among many other “signs” (such as color, water – being pure, etc…) were all areas of my own need for answers and guidance.  I was at the point of counting syllables of my sentences on each finger so that I did not end my sentence with the wrong number.  I even got to the point where I was unable to speak due to fear.

I learned the hard way of what it means to “lean not on your own understanding”.  My mind was trying to make sense of what path I should take, when in actuality all I needed to do was trust in God, acknowledge him, and he would show me the way.  Yes, I prayed for help and guidance.  But I was searching for all of the answers.  I truly believed that I saw God’s plan.  Thankfully I am not the all-knowing – God is!

So now what I do is exactly what my Life Verse says.  I TRUST in the Lord with all of my heart and lean NOT on my own understanding (I have Faith in what I can’t see);

I will forever ACKNOWLEDGE him (God as my provider, my healer, my everything – true LOVE and guidance), and he will make my paths straight.  (He will SHOW ME THE WAY).

This was a lesson well learned!


© Can Stock Photo / focalpoint

Saying Good-Bye for Peace and Happiness


Being deceived or taken advantage of by a friend that is trusted and loved is hard to forget or forgive, especially when that event caused life-long trauma.  And to make matters worse, when that friend refuses to admit to the deception and just overlooks the occasion altogether, the hurt is magnified.  The best revenge is that there can be happiness and joy along with peace despite the hurt.

First of all,  I have decided that if she cannot admit to her faults and essentially has lied to me for years, I do not need that type of influence or standard of behavior/principles in my life.  It’s time for me to surround myself with people who value me and my feelings.  I no longer need fake ideals and people in my life.  Life becomes much less dramatic and peace evolves when the chaos is quieted.

I have always been told and read that we should treat people the way we want to be treated.  Having compassion and empathy is one of the major components involved in this statement.  Without compassion and caring for another person and seeing their hurt, I would find it hard to live honestly and at face value.  I don’t want kind words and flattery.  That does not impress me or make me like you anymore, or cover the hurt of devastating actions.  It is honesty and compassion that impresses me.

I know that God works in ways that are beyond what I will ever understand.  I have faith that whatever unfolds in life is part of God’s plan – whether it is good or bad.  It is how we respond to our circumstances and how we treat people that matters.  I praise God for His plan and pray that He continues to help me to walk in such a way that pleases Him.  I want His Holy Spirit and His words to guide me.  And I pray that I am never fake or try to impress people.  He has given me the quality of honesty.  This is not to say that I have never told a lie.  But believe me, I have the hardest time lying and I am VERY bad at it!  But I think that this quality makes me a real person, and I thank Him for it.

I forgive this person (and others) for doing what they did that caused so much harm to my psyche to this very day.  PTSD is a hard thing to work through, and it bears on one’s soul, and pops it head out at the most unexpected times.  I actually feel sorry for her that she does not have the courage or integrity to tell the truth.  Yet I do know that the immediate release and peace I felt when I cut her out of my life is something that I continue to want in my life.  And there is no reason that I need to continue in a relationship that is bad for my well-being.

So I say good-bye!



© Can Stock Photo / AntonioGuillem

Through My Mother’s Eyes



She saw me…  as a beautiful woman filled with a caring heart and compassionate soul.

She saw me…  with an abundance of kindness for others.

She saw me…  as filled with laughter and a glow from within.

She saw me…  as a mother who loved her children unconditionally.

She saw me…  as a loving wife that gave to her husband without reserve and with her                                 whole being.

She saw me…  as a strong woman who fought to maintain a healthy state of mind.

She saw me…  with a smile for those who needed her.

She saw me…  as a worthy being that contributed to the wholeness of her circle with                                    kindness and a spirit of honesty.

She saw me…  as a loving daughter that gave all of herself in the care of her parents.

She blessed me with the ability to care for and honor myself in the journey ahead with faith and a hope for happiness, laughter, and lasting memories to come.

I will honor her by continuing to be who and what she taught me to be.

My mother, my friend, my angel and guide.

Forever my love.



© Can Stock Photo / photography33

The Joy of a Fresh Start




The drizzle is coming down while the sun remains shining brightly.  The beauty of the day has started.  There are so many possibilities.  What will the day hold?

I’m up early and enthusiastic with the upcoming activities.  I’m working on my new craft room, and excited about rearranging, building, and making a beautiful space.  There will be so many activities to choose from.  This is a new beginning to having an endless array of items and activities of picking out my coping skills at my fingertips.

The room will be bright and cheerful.  Favorite items will be within reach.  Perhaps even my care plan will be made into a piece of art.  Why not?

Excitement is building.  I’m happy about redoing a new guest/granddaughter’s room.  Decorating has always been a passion for me.  Creating is fun and joyful as well.

The environment is waiting for the springtime to be introduced into it.  New bright pillows and curtains, fresh stenciling, painting in the rooms to be done.  The newness of the air and temperature is persuading me to begin and move forward.  I feel the joy starting to flow.

Spring is abounding all around!  Take a deep inhalation, and feel the motivation.  I’m ready!!!


© Can Stock Photo / Jag_cz

Serene Joyful Peace

With the upcoming of first, Mother’s Day and then Father’s Day, I thought that it was an appropriate time to repost this.


I was working in my garden today weeding and plucking out the new growth.  As I worked throughout the afternoon, I was amazed that I had three beautiful white butterflies frolicking around me all the time that I was out there.  I have always felt the presence of my mother with butterflies, and that continues to this day.  And seeing the way these fluttering friends danced around with one another in the sunshine gave me a serene joyful peace.  It is days like this and appreciating the true heartfelt lift of joy that I am able to attain when thinking of deeply missed loved ones that makes days like this full of God’s grace.  I know that it is with this joyful peace that they will forever be a part of my life.

I recently felt the beauty of a song that lifted my soul entitled “Bittersweet” by the Zac…

View original post 72 more words





It was that all familiar feeling in the pit of my stomach that twisted about and tightened up my gutt.  My breathing became heavier and increased in frequency.  The need to take deep breaths and blow out (subconsciously at first) became evident.  My heart rate increased and began pounding in my chest.  It was almost as if I was lost in a moment in time and could not see anything around me.  The pounding began in my ears – almost like a swishing that went along with my heart.  A tightening pain started to creep up the back of my neck into the base of my skull.  Hyperventilation would ensue, then panic and chaos was all that was left.  Sometimes even pleading for help from someone would be an end result.  Ultimate fear and inner unease scream within my being.  Tears and loss of reasoning ability would be all that was left.  The psychological exhaustion would grip my whole being, and eventual recovery would come slowly.

It gets better.  You’re not alone!  Reach out for support.


Photo by canstock fmarsicano

Do Not Accept Less


do not accept less


Never let someone let you feel insignificant or unworthy.  You are not less than anyone.  You are a caring, loving, empathic human being that loves others and cares for them.  Do not allow someone to bring you down and make you feel like your selfish.  Because, of all things, selfish is NOT in your character.

Hold your head up high and be who you are – a compassionate, loving human being.  You deserve the respect and love you give out.  Do not accept less than that!  Do not allow someone to disrespect you and make you feel less beautiful in spirit than you are.  Walk in the light of God and keep the straight path.


PetarPaunchev/can stock photo

That Beautiful Silver Cross



The silver cross hangs from my car mirror.  On it is inscribed, ‘I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me’.  How often I read those words and prayed for strength after first, my mother’s diagnosis with multiple myeoloma – then her fall down my stairs while on Coumadin (blood thinner) and the flight from New Hampshire to Mass General with the diagnosis of a prominent brain bleed.  She at that time was given four hours to live.  Mom lived almost another year, and given the opportunity to enjoy her family.

The couple of months one to two times a day driving into Boston to see mom in the ICU was wearing to my spirit.  Also managing my medications and stress level was important, along with counseling sessions.  Life was full, but so focused on stress and life and death.  It was a crazy time.

Though staring at me while in my car so often hung that cross with the perfect verse to maintain my sanity and strength through those times, till long after that time when I was caring for my mom in my home.  It was so very difficult to care for mom, but I would do that over in a heartbeat.  I learned so much about the strength of love during that time.  And we became the best of friends.

That cross still hangs from my mirror, and that promise from God still inspires me.  Because I know without fault that God will strengthen me and I CAN do all things through Christ.  Thanks to you God!!

Leaving It In The Past and Peaking Around The Corner



Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) can be such a debilitating disorder.  It can be one traumatic event that causes fear for the rest of one’s life; or it can be years of repeated attacks to the soul that sparks episodes of recall, fear, depression, or anxiety.  The depths of the attack to one’s spirit is intense and forever relevant with hair-raising episodes of fear, elevating periods of a pounding pulse and startling fast paced breathing.  It is not a disorder that is easily overcome or forgotten, if ever.

For me, I realized that just reading in my journal the full recollection of a traumatic event caused me to become depressed.  I was not so much depressed that I could not function, but my mind was saying  “put the brakes on, I don’t want this to impact me again”.  I could either be on alert or put the brakes on.  The recent recollection slowed me down and unconsciously I said “NO”.  I don’t want to feel this again.

Due to my PTSD I realized that I have to take a break from reading my journals from years past.  I will go back to it eventually, but now it is time to be present and in the moment.  I, of course, don’t live back in those days.  My life now is fulfilling and ever-changing.  Each day is a new adventure.  I’m looking forward to what’s around the corner.