The more I read about bipolar the more anxiety I have. I never have had a manic episode where I had anger or delirium. This past episode (which was twenty years from the previous episode) was very scary to me and I find that I’m having flashbacks related to what happened. I don’t recall a lot of what transpired. My doctor says it makes sense that I don’t remember. She said that she would be surprised if I did recall. However, for the one who had to live through this hell, it bears a sadness and pure uneasiness with what my mind is capable of. I know that the change in my medications that was made by my doctor was a mistake, but now to live through the after effects of how delirium mania can wreak havoc in one’s life is still brewing in my mind.
I’m a kind, considerate, compassionate individual. I infrequently swear or have increased anger that I’m unable to handle. Yet in this state of mania – for the first time in my life – I became an angry, filthy mouthed sailor. And the thing that bothers me the most is that I have no recollection of any of my actions or words. There are moments of recollection, but they are a rare few seconds of time. And I am at an all-time unease with the faith of the knowledge with my healthcare. My bipolar and my emotional stability had been getting better. Then to have a blow that came out of nowhere (not due to my own actions, but due to the change of my medications) makes me at an unease with my healthcare.
I’m scared of what my mind can do, and at the control of what my meds have on my mind. I am and always have been a compliant patient, and a responsible person. I’m scared. I’m at the mercy of someone who ultimately made a decision who put me into a spiraling whirlwind of the brain’s torture. Yes, torture!! To live through the thought of evil persecution, inability to think for ones-self, being held down for medications while screaming, having my mind totally warp to the point that I had no clue where I was, or who was there is torture! And now what choice do I have? Do I now just live on FAITH and a trust that has been broken. Renewing that trust in my healthcare provider is a hard one for me, but I am dedicated to moving forward with both of us having a clearer perspective of the severity of my bipolar and a more cautious approach.
A GREAT lesson learned from all of this chaos was that the ability to decrease my medications is not in the plan for me. This was ultimately what my psychiatrist had in mind, with my consent. She was trying to do a good thing. However my bipolar requires all of the medications that I’m on. There is a reason these medications were not lowered in the past twenty years. She has now admitted to the fact that lowering these drugs are not reasonable for me. Keeping me stable is the biggest priority, and “for the best quality of life” (in her words) it requires all of these medications. This was a hard lesson (on my part) to learn. And now going forward I am much more educated. I will fight for the ability to be stable (NOT less medicated), which is not my priority! And a closer monitoring of my daily and overall mood status is a new commitment to me and my husband. It is now and forevermore a main focus in my daily walk with my illness.
Though this mania and delirium appeared quickly, there was a spiraling out of control period that has been recognized, and it is in those few weeks of time that the medications needed to be adjusted. It needs to be caught before it gets out of control, and before “sliding down the slippery slope” – as described by my therapist. So even though this past episode makes me angry and sad and has long-lasting effects, a more insightful level of healthcare has been initiated, and myself (along with my support system) are also much more enlightened and careful with symptom management.