The past month and a half has been a fractured part of my story that has truly been a difficult part of my life. To at one moment be living my life and feeling as if I can handle anything that comes my way, then the next moment not even realize that I am in the depths of extremely scary delusions that are controlling my mind is a brutal blow to the psyche. And to now not even remember most of those days of chaos is disturbing. It is impossible to describe the horror that one feels with this type of experience. I literally became someone who I am not. My behavior was inconsistent with who I am. How is it that I can turn into someone that I am not? I was told that I was combative and swearing frequently, that I refused to eat, that I even threw food and refused medications. This is definitely someone who I have never experienced. And really, it is someone that I still cannot relate to. I do not recall this part of me.
I was told that this was probably due to changes in my medications that did not agree with me, and therefore I had a delirium response due to the decrease, and also became manic. Before and during this time, I was unable to sleep – though I did try to care for myself before this episode, and try to relieve the insomnia (without success). I called my therapist for help with changes and problems that I could not resolve (to no avail). I did take the brief advise from both my doctor and my therapist. I was told to use distraction and keep busy. I was like an organizing freak. I was also told to use coping skills with problems, so that part of my life became a focus as well. I searched for ways to cope with distress. My new calling became ways of coping. This was for my own relief as well as for others.
It really is surprising how I feel like I missed the whole month of August. I have been recovering from being unable to think clearly and being unable to talk clearly. My speech during my acute episode was word salad, and was unable to be interpreted. And to actually be able to once again take my own medications and to time manage has had to be refreshed in my mind. To even get the dose of medications at the right amounts has been a challenge, as well.
I finally feel as if I am on my way moving forward to a new happy place. A new start has ensued and I am moving toward the place of peace that I have known. It will take time, but I know that this bump in the road was for a purpose. Eventually I will understand that purpose and for now I will just live my life continuing on this roller coaster ride.
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