How is it that a period in time in my life is lost?? The amnesia that I have encountered during this period of time is frustrating. I am told that I was combative. I am told that I was unable to form any type of sentences. I could not explain my thoughts. Was it that I even had any thoughts that were cohesive enough to even be able to remember? The period lost is maddening to me.
My family was told by the doctors that they thought that I was having a stroke of some sort. I have no recollection of my behaviors, of being cleaned, of brushing my teeth, and doing any of the simplicities of activities of daily living. I recall once kicking my food tray, and it flying across the room. Why was I so angry and upset? This was and is so out of my character. Perhaps my breaking point had been met.
I recall, when I was in nursing school, talking to one of my professors about the period of delusional behavior that had happened when I was twenty-one (a few years prior to our conversation). This professor explained it to me in the sense of a (brief) period of time in the scope of a life of events. Those ten days (while in the hospital) were what amounted to a minuscule period of time. It was time to accept and move forward.
The difference between that period of time, and this recent period of psychosis is that I cannot recall the memories. I cannot even try to make any sense of them, or to analyze the break because the loss of memory is not allowing this. The frustration with this amnesia is frightening, and a complete loss of control. I do know however, that I made it through. And I know that I had the supports available to help me to make it to the next step of my life. I am in the next step right now, though prevention of another episode is a major part of my life right now.
Moving forward and radical acceptance of the unknown is encompassing my life right now. I have to realize that whatever happened to me, I made it through the tough times and now I am on the other side. I am stronger because of fighting through the tough times. Time to slowly glide through each day and bring sunshine into view. I am strong and I am capable. Thanks to you, God.
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