“I have no friends”. This is a common thought of mine. I have experienced many times the feeling that I have no one to turn to or to help me. It is a terrible feeling to think that I am so alone. To be so lonely that I have absolutely nobody that I can talk to, and to not even have the capability to reach out to others so that they can have the chance to help me is the terrible feeling of isolation.
For me, I have looked back on journals and this common theme evolves. I have nobody to turn to. My ex-husband and I were on different wave-lengths, and the ability for him to understand my depths of depression and fear (I believe) were incomprehensible to him. I did have my parents to turn to for the majority of my life, but the fear that they would someday not be available was always there. I always had fleeting friends in and out of my life that provided a sense of comfort and joy, but to allow them to be a protector when my thinking was distorted was not even an option.
I struggled with the concept that God would not give me more than I could handle. I thought that I had already been tested by that, and that I had lost that battle time and again. My mind would become overwhelmed and would disappear into its own depths of delusions. Isn’t that more than I could handle? It never made sense to me. What I did not see was that despite my mind going into delusions, I came out of that despair. I recovered and I was able to once again function and have more strength from the previous battle. God is indeed Good!
And to think that I don’t have any friends that I can rely on – that is absurd. I do feel lonely at times, or I am alone. However during my lifetime I have been blessed by strangers becoming friends, acquaintances helping during times of despair, and long-time friends always lending a hand in times of need. The problem sometimes is knowing when and how to ask for help. It is a hard thing to do to ask for assistance, even if that assistance is from my own children.
I believe that a good exercise for me to have completed was to make a list of all of those friends: long-time friends, siblings, spouses, children, parents, facebook friends that I message occasionally, aunts, uncles. Even though I do not speak to these people frequently, I have these people as a part of my circle. I need to know who I can trust, and who I can let my heart be opened to.
It is with my own self-discovery over the past year that I have realized that I am so blessed by having all that God has given to me. Everything is in God’s timing. During a recent struggle with my illness, I was upheld by all of those wonderful people who I couldn’t even think to ask for help during my depressed state. These people offered their help, and to my amazement I had a group of friends (angels). I even looked back to my messages that were on my phone when I was in the emergency room, and to my surprise I realized that I had left a message to a long-time friend of my mothers. I do not even recall sending this message, but I had asked her to please put me on the prayer chain at her church, which she immediately did. When I got back in touch with her after I was beginning to recover and told her that I didn’t even recall sending the message, her response was that she was thankful that I felt comfortable enough to ask her for help. Even in my unconscious mind, God was providing and helping. Now I find that amazing!
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