Making Peace With The Past, Hope For The Future, and Enjoying The Journey

 

Let go of the past

Time can change so many things – time and circumstances.  It is believing that in time life will be all that it can be – filled with love, laughter, hope, and the daily joy of the journey.  Believe that in time the days will be more beautiful, the nights will be filled with the beauty of the starry skies, and the rain that may fall will be the renewing of the spirit so that a new bright day can come.

The past and remembering hurts from the past holds us back.  It is a wonderful thing to make peace with the past though, and by whatever means possible.  For me to make peace with my past, it was to talk it all out by whatever means possible.  Talk to friends, talk to my therapist, talk on paper by writing, and by taking the bold move of talking through my stories to the public has given me the peace that I so desired.  These stories are and will be out there forever.  I know this.  Yet by getting my stories out, it has been the most liberating thing for me to do.  Now I can live freely without the demons inside.  It’s a beautiful thing!

So, time is your friend.  Focus on the healing and the daily journey because when the healing begins, the view is beautiful.  Keep your head up to heaven, your faith in God, and the belief that those who love you are there for the long haul.  The beauty of life surrounds you.  Look, listen, feel, touch, and taste each moment and enjoy being mindful of what’s with you, guiding you, and what is right in front of you.

The journey of life changes with each day.  The circumstances of the moments that pass are given to us on this journey to interpret as we may.  Time will give an appreciation for all the blessings given to us.  Even though rough waters may have passed by in our lives, this only allows the appreciation of the blessings to be even more apparent and pleasant.  Trust that the future is working in our favor, allow the past to teach us the way in which we want to live, and enjoy each present moment.

How The Past Can Be A Blessing

A repost and thinking of the approaching year.  There is a lesson in everything.  Here’s to 2018!!

Learning

 

There is gratitude in my heart today.  I have now realized that I have learned a lot and am grateful to the all the people and obstacles that have been a part of my life.  My children are the outpouring of past love that has transpired.  My loving husband that I adore is the benefit of the knowledge that has been obtained (along with God’s grace).  And the journey of peace and happiness is a daily walk of being mindful of all of the blessings given to me.

I have decided to put the past hurt aside and be thankful for all that it has been given to me and what it has taught me.  I have had the pleasure of being a mom to the best kids in the world.  It is so true how karma works.  I have given my all to my children, and in return they have given me their love and devotion.

I had a twenty-something year marriage to my childhood sweetheart, and I am grateful for the strength that the trials have developed into my character.  Our paths may have diverged but the time that we did have together showed me what matters most in my life – the bond of the family unit and my devotion as a mother.  Also I am thankful that, as a part of my identity, I have an understanding now that I love being a wife, a unit, a team.  This is where my soul thrives and feels safe.

I also have an appreciation of what qualities that I will and will not add to my life with my wonderfully patient and admiring husband.  It has been a learning curve where past behaviors have needed to be adjusted and have needed to be re-taught on both our sides.  But with the ultimate goal of mutual respect and friendship, we have made those accommodations as needed.  Without my past I would never know what brings me the happiness and peace that I need.

Therefore, I give a huge thank you for my past, the blessings, the trials, the despair, the gifts and happiness – for all of it.  I know what, and am still learning what, brings me joy and peace.  And with my past, I am a little closer and more aware of me, and who I am, and what I want and need in life.

The Stigma of Mental Illness

 

Aren't worth your time

I worked with her for about a year – a fellow nurse.  We went shopping outside of work.  She invited me to her home.  I even ended up taking a dog (Romeo) from her that she no longer was able to care for.  I considered her a friend.

She was a nursing professional that had been TAUGHT about the difficulty of mental illness.  TOTAL IGNORANCE!  I revealed to her at one of her barbecues about my struggle with Bipolar.

That was the last conversation that I ever had with her.  She refused to answer my calls, return voice mails, or even explain her avoidance.  My only conclusion about her absolutely disrespectful exit was obvious.

Whew…

Thank you God for her departure.  Saved, yet again!

 

Truth, Goodness, and Beauty

 

 

The Three Transcendentals

The Truth, the Goodness, and the Beauty – the Three Transcendentals of Being.

 

I just listened to a wonderful sermon on the topic this morning.  What a lovely enlightenment.  I am open to all religious spiritual paths that lead to the light, NOT in any particular religion.  That being said – the three transcendentals of being, touched my soul and spoke to me because I am a Christian and the Word of God as written in the Bible is the way for me.

 

The word of God, believers, the beginning of the world, all that is, the light, – the TRUTH.  Amen, indeed!

The will of man, running toward all that is true, the belief of the word, the opening into one’s heart and walking with righteousness, on the path with the guidance of the love of God – the GOODNESS.

The truth of God’s Word, the light of the world, the goodness – all attributes exist to form the BEAUTY.

 

Is beauty truly in the eye of the beholder?  Dare I say, NO!  Beauty is all that is truth and goodness, and righteousness.  This is the beauty that is not through the lens of the eye, but in the spirit and the mind and the truth of being.  Being in the part of the existence of where heaven and earth meet.  An amazing concept to ponder.

 

 

The Peace of Mindfulness

 

wherever you are

I’m allowing myself to be guided in every moment.  It is not that I don’t want to achieve anything today, but my goal is to live in the present.  Yes, mindfulness.  So at this moment writing is the activity that will be in full range.  I’m not looking back or forward.  Now is all that matters.  The brilliant light and letters on the screen of the computer are within my gaze.  The fan that blows the warm air of the pellet stove from the basement toward me on the main floor is calming, as the clocks ticks with every second.  I am sitting with my legs to the side while I relax on the comfortable sofa.  The peacefulness in each moment is truly a beautiful experience.  I’m totally captured as the end of my nose is chilled from the breeze as I inhale and exhale.  The wonderful singing of the birds and the chirping is starting to grace my ears.  The sound of the occasional car driving by reminds me that life and goals of others are present.  The banjo clock is now playing a tune along with the grandfather clock, and the melodic tune of the wind chimes outside are softly heard in the background.  The day begins.

Leaving The Fury

Who's Crazy

 

I’m going to sleep on MY side of the bed, never crossing that center line.  And when you’re not in bed with me, the whole bed is mine.  There is now no room for you.  I take up the middle of the bed and I spread out.

I no longer want you in this bed.  I don’t want you in any way.  Your comfort is not desired.  There is no longer any room for you.

I say that when I left my ex-husband it was an impulsive act.  In some ways it was.  When I left that day, I ran quickly.  The suicidal thoughts that began to plague my mind that day were too scary to think about.  I remember praying on my knees and then singing out loud, “Amazing Grace”.  The decision to leave came to me like a flash.

However I do now remember the weeks preceding my departure.  I recall not wanting any part of him.  I remember the thoughts I had while going to bed.  I no longer even wanted a spot for him.  There was nothing left to fight for.

We had been fighting (or was it me) for years and years, though his anger would always return.  The day I RAN I remember being in my mother’s driveway in my car, and he was there – yelling, “Go home.  Cut this shit out.”  I sat immobilized in the car.  I was in a fog not knowing whether to move.  Even to think at that moment and make decisions was too much for me.  It was divine intervention when my mother came home and she saw him yelling at me while I sat in the car.  Her motherly instinct took effect.  She saw the desperation and confusion in my face.  “What are you doing?”, she screamed at him.  “This is exactly why you are going to lose her”, she said.  His response, “This is who I am.  She has to get use to it”.  But how do you get use to his yelling, the demeaning, that ANGER??  He had tried anger management a few times, but when someone doesn’t truly think they have a problem, will it ever work?

She decided for me what I needed to do.  I no longer had the ability to know.  My ability to think clearly at that moment was gone.  It was being controlled by the rage, and fear.  I saw in her eyes the recognition of my inability to understand or rationalize.  My mind was unable to process what to do, as I sat dazed.  “Kelsy, get in the house”.  I followed her directions.  She continued to be the protector, and she managed to get him to leave her house.

I suppose there was an early recognition that I no longer could deal with the rage and the ridicule.  That day, in particular, was a hard one.  “Fuck off”, he said as he left.  Within a couple of weeks all of the kids would be gone and off to college, or living on their own.  This was the time.  Taking care of me was now what I needed to do.  So run, I did.