When Someone You Love is Abused

 

Chaos

Being a helpless onlooker and seeing someone being controlled, isolated, and abused causes such a frustration and deep ache within.  What can be done?  How can I help, when accusations against the abuser causes hurt and conflict with the abused?

Being a friend, and being there is my main goal.  Do I hide my feelings, or put it all on the table?  It’s all very complicated.  There’s many factors to consider.

It is said that karma is a wonderful thing.  I was once the abused with the concern going toward me, but I was stronger than my friend.  My karma is knowing that she has to make up her own mind, just as I had to make up mine.

I just need to be there for her, and that is where I’ll be.  I’m in it for the long run!

 

PTSD – Straight Path or a Curve in the Road

Pain will become cure

My emotions respond to the stimuli – heightened alertness, heart pounding, a sense of urgency.  The details surrounding me are skewed and blurred together.  Nothing else matters but the grips of fear.

The flashbacks can be intrusive and come to me one right after another.  How do they relate to the here and now?  For this to be in my face twenty-five years later (after the demons began) is powerful.

Peace is the goal – not reliving the pain.  It is a possibility.  I can reach that level of solitude.  Just keep walking down the straight path.

Or do I take a step forward in a new direction?  Relive the pain, and possibly face the fear time and time again.  Do I have the ability to smash the fear into pieces, or have enough compassion and love for myself to break free?  Why tackle that challenging road again?

Compassion

Never Forget

This is a beautiful quote that I want to remember each day.  How is it that at times I can look away, when there is so much I can do?  I can help.  I can pray.  I can offer a hand.  Why not do all that I can do and am capable of to help those in need.  It will not only help others, but – yes –  I am better for it.

I Am Not My Mental Illness

 

Rise

Having a mental illness does not mean I am incapable.  I have been through many trials in my life, and with each trial I have pushed myself up and made myself stronger.  I have never crumbled, and I never will.

The setbacks are just that – setbacks.  They do not own who I am.  In fact, they have made me the strong capable woman I am.

I have raised three children with such opposition and yet the children have become bright stars.  They are capable young adults and successful. They are compassionate , loving, and smart adults.

I may not have paid for all of their colleges, but I was the one pushing them into college and doing all of the financial paperwork.  I believe that I have guided them to be able to do more than I was ever able to do.  I see this as an accomplishment. During this time, I was still in the process of paying off my own school loans and feeding three growing children.

I raised my children starting as a teenager.  So when I went to college, I was twenty-four years old with a nine-year old, seven-year old, and a five-year old child.  And I achieved a lot in the process.  I was successful.

I had an emotionally turbulent relationship with my ex-husband, who was also very loud and yelled before he thought, yet I was able to keep my family intact.  The children were always my main priority.  I kept them safe.

I had a complete psychotic breakdown due to a traumatic event that probably brought about the Bipolar to emerge in the first place.  The children were young; one, three, and five.  Yet I didn’t allow this to keep me down.  I fought hard to be able to raise the children so they could live life to their fullest potential.    They needed me.

It may even be a concept some may not be able to understand, but I had a Last Will and Testament made up when I was in my twenties that stated that if for any reason anything happened to me, my wish was to have my parents raise the children, and not their father.  My mother and father kept this document in their safe , and I found it once again just recently after my mother died.  The children’s safety and emotional well-being were always my main concern.

So I have a mental illness.  But believe me, nobody should underestimate the capability and strength that I can obtain and I know that I have.  I can do what is necessary when it is needed.  Perhaps I need supports at times, like any other individual may need at some point, but I always try to make decisions based on doing the best that I can, and protecting those that I love.

Good Morning Sunshine

Sunshine

It’s grey outside, yet there is sunshine in my heart.  The sound of the rain is dripping on the porch outside my window, yet the beauty of being alive and being filled with hope is in my heart.  The weather is not dictating how I feel, even though this makes the sixth anniversary of my dad’s death.

With the passing of time, I have felt his presence close.  I loved him so very deeply so the grief that was endured seemed as if the pain would never end.  The ache is felt at times and the longing to hear his voice remains.  I know in my heart I will see him again someday.  This knowledge allows me to keep the smile within.

I have lived and know that life does go on and the sunshine in my heart can be so bright sometimes.  Hearing my granddaughter laugh is one of the brightest of those rays of sunshine.  I’m keeping on this Journey with a lift in my step because I know that I have the bravest of all the angels by my side.  “Daddy, I love you”.

Hope

Hope

Always keep hope.  Hope is essential to life.  It brings the desire to push forward toward dreams and goals.  It helps one to persevere and pray for the best possible solution or outcome.

Just an ounce of hope is needed to move to the next day.  Making it to the next day means there is hope.  Hope to live.  Hope to start a beginning to a new day.

Never destroy one’s hope.  A trace of hope can help and give someone the ability to climb to the next experience or phase.  Hope is needed to endure and be triumphant.

Capability comes with hope.  Positive chapters come with hope.  Starting a new chapter is the base of hope.

Always hope for the best and believe in yourself.  Strength of one’s spirit is based on the inner abundance, and the blessing of the ability to maintain, the beauty of hope.

 

Learn from yesterday, Live for today, Hope for tomorrow.      – Albert Einstein

 

Living With Joy In The Present

 

Focus on the Journey

My New Mantra

Joy is in the Journey!!

 

Today’s list:

Write                                                                       Go to Gym

Go to pharmacy                                                 Take shower

Get Dressed                                                        Clean Refrigerator

Dishes                                                                     Straighten House

Make Dinner                                                       Clean pantry closet

Clean Bedroom (bureaus, clothes, etc…)

 

My anxiety at present is filling within.  I read past journal entries from after a hospital stay and just a small sampling started the running of thoughts and ideas, the quivering inside began and the need for deep breaths started.  Mom used to know when there was something bothering me just with the deep breathing.  “Kelsy.  What’s the matter?  You’re breathing heavy again.”  She would pick up on this and make me aware of the fact that I was doing it.  I realized after she told me.  Funny how that worked.

Each entry in my journal during this time consisted of making a list to organize my day.  I try to do this pretty consistently, but sometimes I need to make a conscious effort.  Organization and lists help with guidance and motivation.  Things get done easier, and less effortlessly.  It may seem obvious, OK, take a shower!  But just to put it on the list, if I cross out that one item for the day – it is an accomplishment.  Sometimes my list may consist of: get dressed, do hair, put on make-up.  The more things that are on my list, the more things that are accomplished.

For the past few months, gym is a main priority.  Though maintaining to eat healthy and exercising near the holidays is an ambitious goal.  Thankfully, I am ready to start new again.  Get back on the right track.

Hallelujah, New Year!!  I have a lot of promise for the New Year.  New goals and excitement are in the future.  The Lord knows what’s best, though I will actively start a new ambitious year.  Do I have a New Year’s Resolution?  Quite honestly I didn’t even take this into consideration.  Perhaps, to continue my quest for healthy eating and exercise.  But as I think more into my resolution, a more appropriate resolution is to live each day with as much joy and in the present moment.

I frequently take a look back into old journals to see how I’ve grown, to see possibilities for writing and learning, to move forward.  This morning was an example of learning from the past.  I will continue to make my lists – a great goal for anybody!  My dad was a perfect person to show the positive side of making lists.  He said that he couldn’t remember sh**.  Maybe this is a good reason too.  I learned that just returning to and reliving past events (by reading my journal) it can cause anxiety because without being careful of awareness, I can move out of the present.  I must remain in the present!  And I know that making the most of each moment and living in Joy is the goal.