My Daily Reality With Bipolar

Who's making the decisions

So what’s on the list for today?  I’ve become accustomed to making lists on a daily basis.  I try to be productive each day and get the most stuff done that I possibly can.  And to say that all of the things on my list gets done everyday would be ridiculous.  I am on a roll of productivity right now though.  (Pat myself on the back.)  But sometimes to even get one thing done on my list for the day is torturous.

It may be hypomania for me right now, or just the desire to organize.  Figuring this out sometimes is a difficult thing.  Well I guess my bank account is kind of dwindling (a sign of hypomania), so I’m thinking I am more hypomanic.  Anyway, the accomplishment feels good.

I’ve made it routine to put on my daily list to do my shower, hair, make-up, get dressed.  I do this purposefully because if I find the day is a down kind of day for me, just the accomplishment of taking care of myself and crossing those things off of the list makes me feel accomplished.  Easy step by step accomplishment needs to be acknowledged on those days.  So good or bad days, those items can be crossed off.

Keeping my day structured while not working is a very difficult thing.  A variety of activities need to be added to the day, though that is hard for me to do.  Just to add social contact at times is beyond my grasp.  Sure I can accomplish things in the home, but to get together with someone and have eye contact cannot be achieved.  I have tried volunteering, but haven’t found something I’m that passionate about, and quite honestly something that gives me the ability to be there when needed, without the feeling of being pressured and without anxiety or panic.  I enjoy my crocheting class yet that feeling of anxiety can creep in with that activity as well.  Being alone during the day is long and hard sometimes, though at other times it is a blessing.

Being behind the computer is safe.  It is a way to express myself and be with others, yet in my own bubble at the same time.  Expression is a wonderful thing.  Perhaps I’m oversharing at times?  This is something that I will try to monitor.  Being all out there and totally honest can be a fault at times.  Yet one that I’m glad that I have.  It is better than the alternative.  Learning to be in my own skin is a wonderful learning experience.  Growth makes me feel productive.  And now I’m back at productivity.  Hypomanic or determined organization?  Hmmm???

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