I am not living in the past in these writings. They are therapeutic to my soul. Getting out all of the fear of loss, and the fear of living behind a mask of who I am is so needed. I need to empty what is inside of me and let others see that they are not alone, and that they (as I have) can make it through and live beyond the walls of capture.
I remember during one of my breakdowns, as always my mom was at my side. We were in the front yard of her house and she asked me what I was afraid of. My response to her was that I was afraid of everything. I was afraid of life – of living – of getting it wrong. There was absolutely no joy in living. There was only fear of losing everything that was known to me.
The abuse endured for so many years had choked me with a fear of living, of losing it all. The stigma of mental illness only intensified any fear that was there. How could I be a capable woman and nurture others when I was one of “them”? I was one of the crazy, unapologetically chaotic and out of my mind people who could not even take care of myself.
The stigma of mental illness was not only outside of my environment, but I was living inside of my house with the vision of that incapable person who was maintaining her daily struggle. It was never a matter of the stressful conditions I was living under. It was me who became the problem. And the worse part of it, I started to believe the lies.
Escaping that grasp of ideas imposed upon me and moving toward a new future was the best move I ever took. Seeing myself as whole again and not as the problem for all of life’s chaos was so needed. I moved to a new enlightenment of, “Yes, I am capable and I am not an imprisoned victim of my disability”. Stigma itself is disabling, and to live with that stigma is living a losing battle.
It is not that I now sometimes doubt my own thoughts, because I do. Though I have come to realize that my fears tend to be somewhat reality based, it is when those fears are ignored that the past somewhat creeps in again. The solution is to remember that I am capable, and not to dismiss my own beliefs and ideas. And if perhaps I am questioning myself and my own thoughts, I need to hit them straight on and directly. Why live with a questioning mind?
So to purge all that I’ve been through on the page is my way of regaining control of what was lost and living freely. It was fearful at first to put this all out there because yes I know, it will always be out there. But I remember that I am to ‘Fear Not’! That lesson is the best lesson for me to have learned. I am not being naive. I am trusting that God will direct me down the right path. And I am letting go of any of those fears from the past.