Overcoming Oppositional Forces

Journal:  7/10/07

Sleep allows me some peace.  So true!

I’m realizing that I WANT/CRAVE to lose sight of reality.  I suppose that this is a good thing.  At least I know that I’m going down the wrong path!

Sleep brings peace!

I am craving this because I cannot handle life’s twists and turns.  I am not able to handle it.  It’s plain and simple!

I want an escape from life – a way out. Yet, NOT a way out.  I love myself and my family way too much to hurt myself but I CAN’T stand not being able to handle it.  I’m sooo tired of it.

Dear God,  I’m so tired of this.  What is the solution?  Is there even EVER going to be a solution.  I want PEACE.  Peace of mind.  Serenity!  I don’t believe ANYONE I know understands.

This truly is Hell.  To be tired of life is Hell!

I know there are people who care, but do I?  Really?

A previous entry:

Journal: 2/20/05

I’m so sick and tired of my (ex-husbands) “bad” moods.  We all have to endure them when things don’t go as planned for him.  I can’t stand it.  I can’t believe that I’ve been dealing with this for so long.

I asked him to check the dryer because it’s not working.  His voice gets loud, he slams doors – we all have to cower and be intimidated.  It happened earlier today with the bank deposit that went wrong, as well.  He got loud and placed blame and responsibility on others.  It’s crazy.  Slam goes the door again!  Slam goes the tools!

What now?  Slam goes the door again!

See the beauty of everyday things

Raising our family in such trying conditions was a challenge to endure.  There was the emotional abuse that had to be dealt with frequently.  The intimidation.  The extremely loud voice and yelling.  Then there was, yes, life’s twists and turns as life tends to do – especially with growing teenagers.  And of course, there was my ex-husband that didn’t believe in medications or doctors to help with my bipolar.  I did not have a counselor at that time to give all my burdens to or sort out my problems with.  Holding a job was difficult, and this thankfully was achieved with the support of my dad, and the company he worked for – where he was the manager.  But the protector role of the children was in my court, the house’s daily running, bills, schools, clothing, cleaning, shopping, and all that goes along with running a household was mine.  My ex-husband was the provider.

I thank God for my parent’s support.  I believe that without their help, I would have drowned.  And now that they are gone my supports have changed dramatically.  A new normal is being achieved.

My life is now my own without a constant fear.  And the time spent with my granddaughter is glorious.  My marriage is a joint endeavor where we both add to the union.

I am just filled with sorrow that I was not allowed a greater opportunity to enjoy the raising of my children.  There were too many oppositional forces to be handled at that time.  I just wanted to laugh, smile, and dance more.

Now is the time to live in those present moments and enjoy each opportunity of peace of mind.  I have counseling, meds, wonderful adult children, beautiful grandchildren, a happy marriage with my supportive husband, and a bright hope for the future.

Moving forward is looking good.

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