Enjoying the Peace

Pure Happiness

The rain is pouring, a pleasant sound to hear, outside my windows on this fall day.  I have some windows open to give me the fresh new scent.  Inside the lights are on.  It is dark outside – but, with the glowing of light, all I get is the feeling of coziness.  Daisy, my Labrador is at my feet chewing on her knuckle bone – a scratching and gnawing of happiness with every bite.  I’m sipping my new flavor of herbal tea – Black Cherry.  It is an interesting and bolder taste than I like.

This morning has a feeling of pure peace.  Enjoying the here and now is pleasant.  This is something that I must always remember to give myself time for.

The day will unfold as it wants to, but may I be able to be mindful of the moments as they come.  Spending some time right now in my devotional with God is purposeful, and will guide my day.  I will pray for a guidance from above to light my way today.  There is much to be done, much to get accomplished, and enjoy.  But, for now, the peace and serenity is calling my name.  A beautiful day has begun.

So Nice to See You

I had a dream last night about looking at a beautiful home that had been damaged.  It was more like a mansion or castle.  My Aunt owned this castle, and the offer for me to buy it was there.  My Dad was also a part of this dream.  He was saying he could help me fix all the damage.  I was perplexed because he had died several years ago and I was questioning him how he could be there.  Just seeing my Aunt who had recently died and my Dad who is so missed by me was comforting.  Just when I need to be reminded that he is always there to help me, he reminds me himself.  So nice to see you.  Thanks for popping in.  Love you so much.

Miss you Dad

Breaking Free From Past Fears

Past Fears

I am not living in the past in these writings.  They are therapeutic to my soul.  Getting out all of the fear of loss, and the fear of living behind a mask of who I am is so needed.  I need to empty what is inside of me and let others see that they are not alone, and that they (as I have) can make it through and live beyond the walls of capture.

I remember during one of my breakdowns, as always my mom was at my side.  We were in the front yard of her house and she asked me what I was afraid of.  My response to her was that I was afraid of everything.  I was afraid of life – of living – of getting it wrong.  There was absolutely no joy in living.  There was only fear of losing everything that was known to me.

The abuse endured for so many years had choked me with a fear of living, of losing it all.  The stigma of mental illness only intensified any fear that was there.  How could I be a capable woman and nurture others when I was one of “them”?  I was one of the crazy, unapologetically chaotic and out of my mind people who could not even take care of myself.

The stigma of mental illness was not only outside of my environment, but I was living inside of my house with the vision of that incapable person who was maintaining her daily struggle.  It was never a matter of the stressful conditions I was living under.  It was me who became the problem.  And the worse part of it, I started to believe the lies.

Escaping that grasp of ideas imposed upon me and moving toward a new future was the best move I ever took.  Seeing myself as whole again and not as the problem for all of life’s chaos was so needed.  I moved to a new enlightenment of, “Yes, I am capable and I am not an imprisoned victim of my disability”.  Stigma itself is disabling, and to live with that stigma is living a losing battle.

It is not that I now sometimes doubt my own thoughts, because I do.  Though I have come to realize that my fears tend to be somewhat reality based, it is when those fears are ignored that the past somewhat creeps in again.  The solution is to remember that I am capable, and not to dismiss my own beliefs and ideas.  And if perhaps I am questioning myself and my own thoughts, I need to hit them straight on and directly.  Why live with a questioning mind?

So to purge all that I’ve been through on the page is my way of regaining control of what was lost and living freely.  It was fearful at first to put this all out there because yes I know, it will always be out there.  But I remember that I am to ‘Fear Not’!  That lesson is the best lesson for me to have learned.  I am not being naive.  I am trusting that God will direct me down the right path.  And I am letting go of any of those fears from the past.

Never Be Afraid of Who You Are

This is a part of my story.

face_your_fear

The stigma of mental illness has not been an easy fear for me to combat.  There has been an improvement since years ago, though a better awareness and tolerance is needed.  Also treatment and care needs to be improved within health care, insurance, and across the population of people who just don’t understand what mental illness is all about.

The thought that people think I’m different or crazy because of a diagnosis has been a problem that needs resolution.  Over twenty years ago with my first psychotic break, it was apparent that the inability to cope with a particular situation was beyond by ability.  I do have to admit that at that time the circumstance that brought me over the edge was an undeniable fear.

My capacity to deal with this situation was too much for me, so my mind began to protect me from my fear of loss.  I…

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God’s Grace at Work

Difficult times come and go.  During the time I will refer to back to in March of 2013, my Dad had already died a few years earlier, and my mom was going through an unbelievably hard time with falling down and brain surgery, as well as cancer.  Life appeared too much to handle, but God is good.  The hand of God was felt at a very needed time.

I know that was you God

March 29, 2013

It’s amazing who God puts in your life when you need it.  I was in the Mass General Hospital ICU waiting to go back in to see Mom.  I was having a hard afternoon, but was putting myself back together.  That’s just the way it’s going to be – I’m going to be strong.  I saw a large man walk by me and sit down in the same waiting room.  I don’t remember how our conversation started, but I do know that it was God’s plan.  His name was Tim and he was a pastor visiting one of his parishioners.  We spoke for quite some time.  We talked about my mother and father, and his parents.  He thanked me at one time for letting him know that he’s not alone (long story).  He drove from Maine and I drove from New Hampshire to Boston.  He was such a comfort to my soul and my heart.  He went into the ICU first, and then I went back.  The room he was in was directly across from my mothers, and he smiled.  It was strength, comfort, courage, and hope that I needed, and this kind man was the beautiful person that was put in my path.  When I went back into the ICU, Mom was more alert and I was able to participate in comforting her and helping her move forward.  Thank you Tim, I am so grateful.  Thank you God for your Love.  I sometimes forget how wonderful you are, until I see your grace.

Understanding Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

The greatest loss 2

Two years after leaving my ex-husband I started the process of understanding the true meaning of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).  Getting my daily anxiety under control was a difficult endeavor.  There were many medications as well as therapy sessions to try to understand this anxiety and fear.  There was a constant fear of making a mistake in my life, making a mistake at work, consequences to those mistakes were dreaded.  However it was a therapist that helped me to understand that this fear of making any type of mistake was brought on by a traumatic event while raising my children and the ultimate consequence of the children possibly being taken away.  The logic made sense.

It all stemmed back to the incident (or many angry outbursts) by my ex-husband in which the security of the children’s safety was threatened, and my whole life existence (my family) could be torn apart and dissolved.  The particular incident that cultivated this fear and anxiety involved the horrendous bruise on my son’s eye as a young child, due to his dad’s lack of patience and the consequences of the Department of Social Services.  The ultimate fear was tremendous.  Stripping my children down to check for further bruising was surreal.  The children were one, three, and five at that time.  After this man from Human Services left the house, the complete breakdown on my part happened when calling a friend, and the absolute fear of the experience with my exhausting screams of loss of control were displayed.  This complete fear lasted a lifetime of raising the children and beyond.  This experience took control of many aspects of my life, including work and social skills which became impaired.  The terror happened in an instant, and was magnified on a daily basis.  And any tiny bit of a carefree, happy lifestyle was demolished.  Hyper-vigilance was required at all times.

Overcoming Oppositional Forces

Journal:  7/10/07

Sleep allows me some peace.  So true!

I’m realizing that I WANT/CRAVE to lose sight of reality.  I suppose that this is a good thing.  At least I know that I’m going down the wrong path!

Sleep brings peace!

I am craving this because I cannot handle life’s twists and turns.  I am not able to handle it.  It’s plain and simple!

I want an escape from life – a way out. Yet, NOT a way out.  I love myself and my family way too much to hurt myself but I CAN’T stand not being able to handle it.  I’m sooo tired of it.

Dear God,  I’m so tired of this.  What is the solution?  Is there even EVER going to be a solution.  I want PEACE.  Peace of mind.  Serenity!  I don’t believe ANYONE I know understands.

This truly is Hell.  To be tired of life is Hell!

I know there are people who care, but do I?  Really?

A previous entry:

Journal: 2/20/05

I’m so sick and tired of my (ex-husbands) “bad” moods.  We all have to endure them when things don’t go as planned for him.  I can’t stand it.  I can’t believe that I’ve been dealing with this for so long.

I asked him to check the dryer because it’s not working.  His voice gets loud, he slams doors – we all have to cower and be intimidated.  It happened earlier today with the bank deposit that went wrong, as well.  He got loud and placed blame and responsibility on others.  It’s crazy.  Slam goes the door again!  Slam goes the tools!

What now?  Slam goes the door again!


See the beauty of everyday things

Raising our family in such trying conditions was a challenge to endure.  There was the emotional abuse that had to be dealt with frequently.  The intimidation.  The extremely loud voice and yelling.  Then there was, yes, life’s twists and turns as life tends to do – especially with growing teenagers.  And of course, there was my ex-husband that didn’t believe in medications or doctors to help with my bipolar.  I did not have a counselor at that time to give all my burdens to or sort out my problems with.  Holding a job was difficult, and this thankfully was achieved with the support of my dad, and the company he worked for – where he was the manager.  But the protector role of the children was in my court, the house’s daily running, bills, schools, clothing, cleaning, shopping, and all that goes along with running a household was mine.  My ex-husband was the provider.

I thank God for my parent’s support.  I believe that without their help, I would have drowned.  And now that they are gone my supports have changed dramatically.  A new normal is being achieved.

My life is now my own without a constant fear.  And the time spent with my granddaughter is glorious.  My marriage is a joint endeavor where we both add to the union.

I am just filled with sorrow that I was not allowed a greater opportunity to enjoy the raising of my children.  There were too many oppositional forces to be handled at that time.  I just wanted to laugh, smile, and dance more.

Now is the time to live in those present moments and enjoy each opportunity of peace of mind.  I have counseling, meds, wonderful adult children, beautiful grandchildren, a happy marriage with my supportive husband, and a bright hope for the future.

Moving forward is looking good.