As I read another one of my journal entries, astonishment at the struggle my mind went through while dealing with my PTSD is at the forefront. Triggers of fear are a scary thing to deal with – but yes, the utmost important goal of priority (at that time) must be attained. It is a battle to be strong regardless of fears, and these fears may seem irrational to an outsider.
I have decided to put this entry into this post so that others may see and connect with that struggle. I have omitted names for privacy, but it is a full entry. Living with daily inner fear is quite tiring. But for me I remained in the game ruthlessly for the sake of my children. They have always been and still are my heart.
As mentioned in other posts, my ex-husband, while struggling with anger and irrational outbursts, caused chaos in our family’s world. This occurred throughout the raising of our children though my PTSD began when the children were very little due to the Department of Social Services being called. That fear remained throughout the marriage until my youngest child was all set to go to college, and I gathered up enough courage to leave. The battle against this fear was constantly magnified due to the loud, dictating, and sometimes unreasonable parenting of my ex-husband.
Journal Entry – 3/11/02
It’s been a long time since writing. Things are so tough right now! I’m trying to keep it together. My son and my husband got into a snow-mobiling accident. My husband is OK, but my son broke his nose and has a tib/fib fracture. He has a cast on his left leg from toes to thigh. He’s having such a hard time. I’m trying my best to be strong. Ativan is needed though, especially with dealing with the doctors and his school. The school nurses are being a pain in the ass! They want various notes, which I know are needed – but be reasonable. I can’t stand it! The doctor is going to think I’m a crack job asking for more notes, etc… Give me a break. I know what is bothering me is my PTSD. Just having to deal with the teachers, nurses, doctors (somewhat authority figures) and having my parental skills possibly examined, this is bringing about the PTSD. It’s unrelated, but somewhat similar. No – It really isn’t similar. It’s my son’s physical health that is of concern. It really doesn’t have anything to do with me. I have to get this out of my head!!! Lord, I pray that I’m doing all the right things. Lord, keep our family strong. Give my son, myself, and our family strength. Help me to keep things in perspective. Ativan – work – PLEASE!!
For so many years, fears remained strong. Thank you God for this peace!