When stress begins for me, my mind becomes clouded, scattered, and sometimes defensive. I begin to “read between the lines”. I listen for clues, signs, guidance. Sometimes I believe that it is the “hand of God” that is talking to me. He is everywhere. And one thing that I do NOT believe in is coincidences. Everything happens for a reason.
I am so thankful to all the doctors along the way who have helped me to decrease my constant anxiety. For me, anxiety causes my depression. A brutal combination. That took me many years to figure out. When my anxiety disorder (anxiety and panic) are out of control, I have loss of control and thoughts of ending the anxiety and subsequent depression is mostly what crosses my mind. I also am reactive to situations. Ultimately resulting in situational anxiety. The ability to handle these situations and to find supports during these times is the goal. I am on about five meds that help to control the anxiety – as well as one of these anxiety meds helping with the depression. These meds along with other depression and mood stabilizing medications. I am so thankful for this combination. The ability to finally control some of the anxiety and my Bipolar is reassuring to my mind. And my doctor is a supportive help in my life.
The ability to handle these situations and to find supports during difficult times is the goal. My coping skills have increased, but are still lacking at times. Along with isolated coping skills there must be a support system in effect for me. I have a few family and friends who have taken those positions. Thank God for these wonderful people who don’t mind walking with me on my Journey. I never realized the amount of care and support that my parents were for me. I read back on journal entries and am amazed still at the amount of reference in all these years that they were close with trusted help and guidance. It is without question the true definition of love!
I have now had the job of restructuring my support system, and believe that it is strong. I sometimes lack in reaching out though. And I find that with any instability with my main support (my husband) I become panicked and vulnerable. It is in those times that coping skills and a support system are the most necessary. And a major component of my support and guidance is my Counselor. She is filled with knowledge and I have trust in her. I am not afraid to say anything to her. She is able to reassure me and help me to make informed and prudent decisions. She never gives me a look of astonishment or distaste in anything I say to her. That is skill in itself because I can be astonished with my words at times. Absolutely!
The road is in front of me and the twists and turns and pattern changes are surprising. Managing these times without becoming lost is a challenging task, but definitely not impossible. Keeping hope, faith, and working toward living life wholly with gratitude is the skill that I try to achieve. Repeatedly, that is!