As I’ve gotten older, my struggle with Bipolar has become more outwardly apparent. Side effects from a medication I was on for about a year has caused intermittent problems with word finding. The disorganization in my mind becomes problem some when I have lack of sleep. Increased stress also causes disorganization. Being pressured to rush or to do something with deadlines decreases my ability to be able to handle a situation. Escape is what comes to mind. I have had periodic suicidal ideation that seems to be under control at the present time.
When I was younger, I was more able to hide my emotions. Increased stress caused disorganization as well, but I was able to function and keep my mind focused enough to get things done without outward disruption. My words could become hesitant during speech, yet I was able to quickly readjust. Working, for me, was much less stressful because deadlines and having to be somewhere at certain times never caused much of a problem. I never had any suicidal thoughts. I was too busy being a mom to my children who needed me.
Time does change things quickly. When I was in my twenties, life was so filled with possibility. And the future or thought of grandchildren and living without the support of my parents seemed to be in the far off distant future. It’s so strange how time creeped up on me so fast, and here I am in a new part of my life. Amazing really!
Don’t get me wrong, I’m far from done yet! Living a peaceful and happy existence is the goal now. I love to travel, and do so as much as possible. I enjoy my new husband that gives me a new perspective in life without any unneeded chaos. The beauty of grandchildren is wonderful, and it fills me with joy and surprise because seeing how time goes by is much quicker when seeing grandchildren grow. I don’t see them on a daily basis so it’s truly remarkable how fast they learn and the time flashes forward.
And I’ve accepted that my mental illness is just that, an illness. I’ve learned to live with it, though sometimes it’s difficult. I’ve realized that everyone in this world has their own set of challenges. Living my life with honesty, integrity, faith, and love will bring me to the next chapter, and the next. Yes, there is only this one life that I’m living. Therefore, I’m going to make the most of all of the blessings that I’ve been given, and run, hop, and skip with a smile on my face.