Purpose and Ability Recognized

Largest Fear

It is hard when one is being torn between the best possible emotional stability for their child, and the fear of outsiders (psychologists, teachers, school mentors) looking into an unhealthy lifestyle that needs to be readjusted with positive thinking and higher self-esteem to bring about change.  Living in an environment of criticism though arguably loving with a loud and demanding dictatorship on one side; and a caring, teaching, protective, though strict with guidelines and rules and an ever fighting and fearful spirit on the other side, made for a challenging family household.  And for others to look into the dynamics of these surroundings was a terrifying experience knowing that in the past that household could have been destroyed and dissolved by these authorities.  So a balance had to be achieved to not allow this to happen again.  Protection at all times a must!

To say that I who overcame and balanced these stressful conditions for years is not of strength is ignoring a bold and fighting being, and yes, someone with purpose and ability.  And to realize that I am of more capability than I allowed myself to recognize is shameful.  I always made the choice that ultimately benefited the children though my heart may have been filled with fear.  I always took into account the best for them, and discounted hiding or isolating.  It was something that had to be done.  And yes, I am a stronger person because of it.  And though I was hospitalized two times while under these stressful conditions in the whole time of raising my children into adulthood while acquiring PTSD and managing Bipolar and Anxiety Disorder, I still managed to make the best contribution I could have to society – my beautiful children.

I think as I am older now and the children are grown, what I struggle with is admitting that my Bipolar is a debilitating disorder that has taken away my career.  I also know that the children are now on their own, and thankfully succeeding in life.  My life has changed significantly and to learn new purpose has been difficult – though not impossible.  I have dealt with oppressing challenge in the past and taken the prize.  This is like nothing that I haven’t yet been able to achieve.  The future is going to be bright, I’m sure.

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