I have decided to repost this article ‘The Winding Path’ because when I was rereading it and trying to organize my blog pages and menus, I realized that the last paragraph is so much more significant today for me. As you will see, it tells me that God has put people into my life who are now with me on my journey (or possibly have always been there). It is with the trust that I have obtained throughout the years in MYSELF, and in also ALLOWING OTHERS to help me, that has been brought into awareness. The ability to TRUST people during difficult times to love and guide me back to wellness when I desperately need their help is a hard skill to learn. Also asking others for assistance can be so overwhelming sometimes. And just withdrawing and letting GOD and those I LOVE to take over is a hard thing, but ultimately a BEAUTIFUL capability. And FOR ME – this was my recent test.
Stress is my precursor to ultimate chaos and inability to handle situations. Triggers (with my PTSD) cause a hyper-vigilant response. I either use the ‘Fight or Flight’ response or I refuse to accept a situation, turn inward, and isolate. Either way I respond, is a maddening way to live.
I recall so many times with my children growing up, the stress of trying to make the best decisions to guide them into balanced personal growth. This was a challenge with one of my children. He had been traumatized as a child and I knew this. I tried to maintain his happiness and growth, yet my denial of the circumstances causing the problems were evident. It was my fear that controlled my choices (at times). This fear of possible loss – at all times. But above all I knew that I had to fight through this fear.
My ex-husband tried to be a loving dad, though his patience and temper were obstacles. He was comfortable and helped with the fun times, such as sports and having play time. This was an important part of the children’s growth. I was the serious player with the agenda of protection, love, and harmony. This balance was important to me. I do recall always telling my ex-husband that if there was ever a choice to be made and I needed to choose between him or the children, my answer would absolutely, without hesitation, always be the children. I suppose this statement played a part in our marriage staying together for as long as it did. My ex-husband was the supporter and he knew where my priorities were. So, I suppose, that this was a tactic I used to try to control his actions.
At these times of stress, when I was faced with the questioning of my parental skills or with the need for extra attention requested for my son, I recoiled into my denial and my mind (most times) began spinning. The fear was the ultimate stress, and I blamed my ex-husband for this, due to the abusive circumstances that had played a part in the situation. I will always thank God that I had the support that I needed from my parents. This was so crucial. They never knew the extent of my fear or the actions that had been taken, but the guidance was always there. And when my mind began to scatter without focus or reason, they were able to bring needed stability and grounding.
Sometimes it is just a rational ear or a validating statement that makes a difference. A supportive ally is an important part to be in someone’s life. And with the passing of my parents, my life has turned around so that I have learned to trust more in myself and understand that there are now other people who are blessings that God has put in my path. Seeing around this corner has been difficult for me, but the growth that is obtained with this lesson is invaluable.