I have been reading back to the year of 1994 in my journal. It’s amazing how my thought processes have changed – though not unexpected. I was twenty-four years old and though married to my ex-husband for eight years with three children, I was independently making my decisions. I was unaware of the friend that I had in my mother all along. This was a time where I managed a household, worked, was going to college, and was able to maintain the chaos.
There had always been the need to move forward and keep an orderly household and keep the children safe and happy. It’s amazing that love can help someone maintain the ability to have courage and strength. Guidance was there always, yes, with my parents. Yet my marriage did not have that capacity of conversation, lifting one another, rationale decision. Therefore I felt that I was the one to keep the bond and to preserve the family unit. I was the one to try to keep level-headed. Though breaking points with the stress of Biploar did interfere at times. Readily after getting help, I began again after being knocked down and was forced quickly back into the routine. This needed to be done. I had no bitterness or self-pity. This was my life and I was going to keep the kids with us and be their guide.
I relied on God for strength always, but the way I prayed was with expectation of immediate answers to all of life’s questions. I was scared to be back in the spiritual world especially since my psychotic break brought me to an unrealistic deluded place with my belief and answers that my mind had believed it had gotten from God. My delusions were very real beliefs that guided my actions, though those beliefs were a part of my psychotic break down. So the ability to trust my own belief and God was extremely difficult for me. My ex-husband was also angry, so even going toward God was given opposition. This battle ensued for many years.
Over twenty years later now with a new husband and with many life experiences in between, my life is now changed to the extreme. I am unable to work. Emotional abuse, staying strong for too long, PTSD, Bipolar, and Anxiety Disorder prevents this ability. I am coming to accept this, though the situation I am in, causes depression at times. I have come to realize that I need to worry about my happiness at this stage of my life. I have to keep busy and look for opportunities to meet healthy adults. Keep my mind focused. I need to do this for me. My husband is a great support with my questioning mind. For this I am so appreciative. We do struggle at times, but that is part of marriage. The point is to keep going. I am becoming use to his rational mind. But my emotional mind sometimes compliments him quite nicely.
I continue learning everyday. I see a therapist frequently. I’m not afraid to get help when I need it. I have a support system, and crisis plan in place. I will keep trying to do my best everyday. My test for bringing up the children into adulthood has been completed. It’s now their turn to live their lives, and now I can be a support (as my mother and father were). And the honor of being a grandparent has begun.
So my feet continue to move forward with faith and hope in my heart.