Wanting an Escape out of this Pain

Suicide isnt cowardly

I have been pushed and degraded to the point that escape from life is the only route I can imagine.  Let me die.  Take me away from the cruelty.  Bashing me down until I have no other recourse but leaving this hell that just wont stop.  Why do you go on and just continue and continue?  I can’t take it anymore.  Don’t you see this?  Don’t you care?

Then I’m seen as the one with the instability, and then you desire to find other people who can help me and give you sympathy.  Wake up to what you’ve done.  Wake up!

You’re not stopping the hate.  You’re not stopping the cruel words.  The tearing down of my ability to cope is continuing.  I’m almost gone.  Don’t you see that?  Do you even care?

You’re suppose to love me.  Am I that much of a burden to you?  I need escape.

Help me…  The only way to stop this pain is OUT!  I need out of this.  Dear God, Help me!

Just a reminder:

Seeing Myself with Worth and Value

Your worth

Being devalued, ignored, and stepped on makes for a rough day!  How others can trample over one’s self-esteem and compassion is beyond me.  And it is totally unacceptable!

No one human being is above any other.  A light will not be glorified behind the head of the best contender as if in angel form.  Perfection, beauty, and kindness does not seem to be an award from God that is passed to the overbearing, bad intentioned deceivers, who push their way into the lives of the ordinary people who have the purposeful action of desire for unity and honesty.  The complete opposite range of intention is startling, and can be crushing to those within the walls of play.

Take a stand and decide that no one can belittle your value or existence.  It is those that wreak havoc that decide who is important in this world, and who should be standing on the sidelines.  Stand tall and be the person that God intended.  If we are of value in God’s eyes, how dare another human being weaken or bruise our spirit?  This type of degradation need not be part of our lives.

Time to move forward with the self-respect that each person deserves, and stay away from this type of activity.  Time to see ourselves with the worth and value we deserve, and move on!

Loving Yourself

Work in Progress

What a beautiful quote!

To admit who I am and not hide in the shadows of doubt and fear is a freeing experience.

I know what I’ve done.  I’m proud of my accomplishments.  I’ve grown from my short comings.  I am who I am.  I love God.  I love my family and friends.  And of course my best friend and husband is the man who I will love till the day I die.  My children and grandchildren are my blessings in life.  I’m living each day with hope, and managing my life to the best of my ability.

And I love this person who I’ve grown to know and become.

Yes, I am still growing and becoming who I am and this person is an intricate piece of God’s Grace and Love.

Beautiful, isn’t it?

Proverbs 4: 5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all you do acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.

My Break in Reality

Telling my story can be fearful and a hard one due to the stigma behind mental illness.  I am living with an illness in which some people think is made up, or evil, or that needs to be disregarded, or perhaps can be willed under control.  Some people may say let it go, or don’t let it define you.  I say “Can you let go of Heart Disease?”.  And yes, define me – it will not!  It is the perceptions of my illness that I am trying to not let define me.  When someone says, I have to make sure that I eat or I need to take my blood sugar before I eat due to diabetes, is that not acceptable?  However when I say, I need to take it easy today my mind is racing or I need to stay home today because my anxiety is too much, the understanding of these topics is obscured with distortion of what mental illness is perceived to be.
I do need to accept my illness and thankfully achieved that goal.  And yes, I need to leave things behind me.  The acceptance for me has been a difficult experience.  Due to my own perceptions of what mental illness is, I struggled with the idea that, “I am one of those?”.  But ultimately it is with the acceptance that I was able to take control and maintain my illness.  Taking responsibility for my own health care and not denying that there is a problem, with the knowledge of diagnosis and care has allowed me to grow .  As well as leaving things behind creates a painful walk, but ultimately with leaving things behind, strength is gained and knowledge, acceptance, and the journey forward can continue.
Being diagnosed with Bipolar in my early twenties was unbelievable to me.  Yet how could I deny that I had gone through a period of mania and stress that led to distortion of thoughts and delusions.  There were particular stressful events that tipped me in that direction, and ultimately made me unable to handle the stress, but what occurred I could not deny.
What my mind did under stressful conditions with the component of a mental illness added is amazing.  My mind was at that point so twisted that I could not make decisions without counting on my fingers because if I ended with the wrong numbers it could end in disaster.  I was trying to maneuver my decisions based on “signs” from God, such as street signs, music, television programs guiding me with what my mind interpreted to be the right way to walk.  I remember coloring with crayons in my basement and deciding whether I would go out that day based on whether the sun would shine that day.  Bible verses were ingrained in my mind.  Then I began with Delusions of Grandeur; my son was the new coming of Jesus Christ.  Dear God, my mind was gone.
How the mind can take over with delusions and be totally in control of one’s life is a scary experience, and how to leave that experience behind is challenging and takes time.  For me, I had to talk it out, and talk it out, and talk it out.  It took me years to wrap my brain around what happened.  Thankfully, it no longer controls me.  Leave it behind and move forward I did!
Understanding that one is not crazy, but that it is an illness that needs medication and to be monitored is so needed.  I recall that during this time of need, in my depression I asked for advise with these life stresses.  It was a pastor that replied to me, “We all have a pity party now and again”. Just a response like that can break the spirit.  It is the recognition of mental illness, treatment, and the respect for people living with this illness that is needed.  Moving forward as a society to honor everyone inflicted with human dignity and recognition will be beautiful to see.

Emotional Damage at Its Worst

The horrifying memory of an angry, extremely loud, terrifying man lifting up a three-year old child by his outer upper arms and putting this child nose to nose with him, then (no words) just screaming thunderingly at the top of his lungs because of his inability to deal with his frustration.  This child has the catastrophic jolted shock of fear on his precious little face.  Violent abuse causing emotional damage that will never be forgotten.

Dear God keep this memory erased from his mind…

Walk away

We made it.

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Having Compassion for Yourself

Caring

To have the ability to have complete compassion and empathy in which one loses themselves in the process can be a deep and disturbing experience.  To want to completely understand the depth of someone’s grief and entangle my mind around the loss while trying to keep my own life perspective, at that time, is a difficult (if not impossible) task.  To even journal so that I am in the mind of the other person is beyond what is necessary.

Sometimes I decide to push my own life aside for the better of another person.  Perhaps it’s the need that is displayed, or the desire to be a helper in times of despair.  Sometimes perhaps it can even be the guilt portrayed by another if I decide not to help.  Whatever the case, it typically causes mishap and chaos in my own life.

It is good and kind to be helpful.  It is wise.  I will, of course, continue within moderation.  But to cause myself my own despair is ridiculous and is a goal for me to stop.  Compassion is one thing, but to lose oneself is another.  Walking forward I will keep my head held high and fight for my own need above all else.  I am not useful to others if my own well being is deprived.

Treasure Each Moment

It’s wonmothers dayderful how small, but beautiful moments stick with me and I’m able to recall little (yet amazing) things that happened when my children were young.  I recall mother’s day when the kids were 8, 6, and 4.  I knew that I was raising caring, compassionate children, but their efforts this particular morning solidified my thoughts.  All three of the children had decided to get up early that morning and make “mama” breakfast.  It was truly the most beautiful and delightful breakfast I have ever had.  I remember their faces bringing in the tray.  They were so proud of themselves and looking for my reaction and approval.  It was a simple breakfast; Toast with Peanut Butter and OJ.  I think they may have had a flower and cards, as well.  But what I recall the most is the sister and brotherly love – walking in side by side, all holding the tray.  Looking at their beautiful faces filled with pride and love.  It is memories like these that bring such Joy to my heart.  To this day  even as their approaching their upper twenties and thirty, when I look at all of my children I know that with God’s love, I am the blessed one to have all of them.  And my love for them will continue throughout my life, and beyond.  The beauty of being a mother is the unconditional love, pride, and family.  I thank God for these wonderful memories.

The Ability to Interpret God’s Plan. Real or Not?

This is dedicated to my mom and dad.  I look forward to seeing you again one day.  All my love.

beauty_of_the_future-690532

Thinking back to the early 1990’s after I had my first psychotic breakdown, I recall taking an English class in which the assignment was to understand and write about the directors interpretation in a movie.  It was said that everything in the movie was done for a purpose.  Everything meant something:  ie…  the breaking of glass, the distance between actors, water dripping, everything.  Analyzing all the reasons and meanings in this movie was a difficult assignment for me.

This task of analyzing was a problem that I had during my breakdown.  I was trying to understand the meaning in everything that happened in my life.  Is it not true that God is the director of our lives?  His plan for our life has already been written?  Why can we not try to see and interpret what His plan is?  The answer to this question, as plainly spoken by my Professor was, “This is not a movie.  This is real life.”

It is quite amazing how the mind can roll one thought and grasp that thought to another one, then make those thoughts mold into something that reasonably makes sense – at least to the individual that is interpreting them.  It is unreasonable to acknowledge something as making sense in order to avoid a disagreement.  Though to quarrel with someone to make sense of a situation is also pointless, especially when the argument is directed to someone in mental distress.

How each street sign led me to another with purposeful meaning was amazing during my breakdown.  How the water and rain was interpreted as cleansing truly led me to being blessed by God.  Driving that one day, as it poured, with the window down in the car and my arm outstretched as I was getting soaked was eliminating the fear from my mind and healing me.  It was raining for a purpose from God.  Cleansing my skin with water being splashed on my face, not only from the sink but also from the bathtub faucet, at a friend’s house helped also with the fear.  The examples could continue, but it was my mind explaining everything unrealistically.  Even to use the word unrealistic, for me, at times is difficult because EVERYTHING made perfect sense.  I understood all that was being done and why.  Amazing!

The medications can be harsh.  The side effects brutal at times.  Even the care could be mean and emotionally damaging.  Thankfully understanding and care is improving as time goes forward.  I could not stay in that state, and the love of my mother fighting for me got me the care and attention that I needed.  My father also understood what desperately needed to be done.  My ex-husband lived through it, but throughout our marriage he refused to acknowledge my diagnosis or need for medication.  Sometimes it was a battle.

I still struggle.  Ups and downs are hard, but living in a fearful state is no longer a daily challenge.  The children are now grown and are responsible adults.  The hollering and fear of losing my children is over.  I am filled with joy that time is healing these fears.  This makes it easier.  Life is going forward, as it should.

Speaking My Mind

speak

I chose to release myself, my memories, and to learn and grow.  This is my Journey to interpret, and be free to share.  Even if one person says I understand, I have accomplished my goal.  My voice does shake at times, and my comfort zone has been trampled.  But I am willfully embracing my choice to write.

Thank you for your support and comments, and choosing to be a special part of walking down this path with me.

Emotional Damage at Its Worst

The horrifying memory of an angry, extremely loud, terrifying man lifting up a three-year old child by his outer upper arms and putting this child nose to nose with him, then (no words) just screaming thunderingly at the top of his lungs because of his inability to deal with his frustration.  This child has the catastrophic jolted shock of fear on his precious little face.  Violent abuse causing emotional damage that will never be forgotten.

Dear God keep this memory erased from his mind…

Walk away

We made it.