Living Through Fear

To say that my ultimate fear and (sore spot) has not touched my life is insensitive.

Living with a daily fear in your mind for years and years is crippling to the spirit.  It is what is accomplished, though this fear exists, that shows our determination.  And what is of utmost importance is decided when one pushes through this anxiety and fear.
It is draining to on a constant basis live with the thought of devastation and ultimate loss, but it is this thought that can be the motivator to be triumphant.  The thought of loss for me which would cause my devastation was having my children taken away from me and given to someone else.  Caring and loving my children was my position in life in which I took with great responsibility and care.  My children alone were the reason I moved forward despite this difficult fear.
This was not a made-up or fabricated fear in my mind that I began to consider for no reason.  This was due to, for me, a horrific experience that was endured.  This experience was teetering to be repeated due to circumstances that I lived with on a constant basis.
It was my life as a whole that could be crushed.  It was my former husband that was the key player and the one that could ultimately bring about the devastation.  He was the one who was able to thunderously scream and anger quickly.  He was the one who also held the family together financially.  And to lose his support and love, though distorted it was, I believed I could not survive alone with my children.  Though he was the threat that was causing the greater fear of extreme loss, there was no question in my mind that I was ultimately there to protect and raise the children.
To say that he didn’t love his children and love me would be a lie.  He was kind and gentle at times.  He was motivational and there for the kids after school sports.  Yet the dictator and loud, no questioning or listening way about him was threatening much of the time.
Raising the children and keeping them happy and safe was the goal.  There were circumstances in which I wasn’t there soon enough and emotional damage was done.  Physical damage was minimal, yet caused much havoc at particular times, and was never able to be tolerated.
Bringing one of my children to counseling was necessary, and this action was mocked by some,  though I fought for what was right and needed.  This was also a particularly scary experience for me because I was afraid that our “secrets” would be exposed.
This family life and fear of loss began at an early age of the children.  I remember the day and the experience which started the fear when social services knocked on my door, and continued till the time my youngest son turned eighteen.  I was always telling my husband to be quiet and lower his voice.  It was even a relief when we moved out into the woods, and I wouldn’t have to worry as much about listening ears.  How crazy is that?  The ability to be able to leave my husband and move on with my life was achieved when the kids were out of the house – the youngest going to college in two weeks.
Living with Bipolar and struggling to maintain balance while living this family life was challenging, but accomplished .  Stress magnified my need for care, but my focus of family kept me moving forward.  I am so thankful to my parents for their undeniable support.
The tough times were frequent during those years, but the accomplishments that were made were huge and obvious.  The ability to be able to go back to college and then becoming a Registered Nurse while caring for the family and traveling from New Hampshire to Boston was achieved.  All the children graduated with baccalaureate degrees from college and became loving, caring decent human beings with purpose of their own.
The scars of fear remain for me but life is now moving in a beautiful direction.  I don’t regret and I am not bitter about any of the past.  God has helped me to heal.  I am thankful for all the strength and knowledge I have attained.  For it is with trials and determination, courage and blessings are achieved.****************

There is nothing more beautiful and powerful as a smile that has struggled through the tears.  Don’t regret your time, even the moments that were filled with hurt.  Smile because you learned from it and gained the strength to rise above it.  In the end, it is not what you have been through that defines who you are; it’s how you got through it that has made you the person you are today, and the person you are capable of being tomorrow.

Unknown

This quote was found on the Positive Outlooks Blog

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